Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Last Great Bachelor

It appears that George Clooney will not settle down, even though his latest long term flame has gotten the stamp of approval from his father. While he stated in an interview that he had zero intention of getting married, he didn't quite state why. The reasons for his perennial bachelorhood have ranged from rumours that he's secretly gay to the more obvious arguments about the benefits of bachelorhood. What is clear is that George Clooney is the last great bachelor in Hollywood, something along the lines of a professional, seasoned playboy, self-satisfied by his millions of dollars, pet pigs and various bromances.

That statement in itself almost seems to close the argument. Let's face it, Georgie boy would never be the same if he settled down. It would alter his image as the carefree, motorcycle-riding, Guiness loving, Italian speaking smooth talker who does humanitarian work on the side. George's untouchable, untamed nature is part of what makes him so cool. A wife would just basically make him another Hollywood old guy. He would no longer be Clooney, the world's most eligible bachelor on the red carpet, but just some guy in a suit next to that breathtaking woman. And who wants that?

Bachelorhood also agrees with George. As the celebrity rags have clearly shown, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depps' sexiness factor has gone way down since they became bonded men with children in tow. Brad, for some reason, thinks that having children is license to not shave and wear that funny touque that makes him look homeless. Johnny, who has made the homeless look hot since the 90s, is still attractive, but when he talks about his children, most peoples' eyes glaze over. George still cracks jokes and talks about his latest bike and shooting hoops at home. He's like that cool single uncle that all the kids love, but none of the adults understand.

George is also the ambassador of cool for single people. While single people often lament the fact that there's nobody to come home to and nobody who will ever take care of them in their old age, George helps to pump up the benefits of the single life without the consequences- although it does help that his benefits are supplemented by millions of dollars. While married couples are all smug in their lives full of family and meaning and cheesy Christmas photographs, George is out there for the single people, still living like a teenager with lots of time for play, but with all the adult authority which makes that life awesome. Not to mention the ability to drink. Yes, life for single people a la George is an afternoon of hoops and beer.

Finally, I think George is a beacon for men who simply don't want to give in to the social pressure to marry. Unlike the other unmarried wonders of the world, the basement dwellers, or the IT guys who can't say hello to a woman without sneezing on themselves, George is the cool, self-assured bachelor who is a bachelor by choice. So even if these poor men have their mothers calling them in a panic or throwing their hands in the air because they will never have grandchildren, they can always say "look at George. He's ok. I want to be like George. He's the man."

And no woman will disagree with that.

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