Monday, July 4, 2011

Today In News

Today was so full of soft news bits that warranted one-liners, I decided to put them all together in no particular order. Here goes:

1- Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, is apparently giving up drinking because he was partying too hard during the filming of the final Potter film. This shows that it's not easy to be a child actor, just as it's not easy to be a boy wizard whose fictional world rests in his wand hand.

2- Selma Hayek's billionnaire magnate husband has proven to be the father of supermodel Linda Evangelista's 4 year old child. He has also proven to be the father of wife Selma Hayek's 4 year old child. It doesn't take a mathematician to prove that this is going to be endless tabloid fodder as the child support case goes to court. Selma Hayek was recently quoted in an interview stating that she is a good housewife who makes home-cooked meals for her spoiled husband. If I was that spoiled husband, I'd be on the lookout for poisoned empanadas.

3- Jesse James apparently forgives himself for having had multiple affairs on Sandra Bullock. Good for you, douchebag, we're all happy to hear that you can live with yourself happily. We all hope you have a wonderful life together, you and you.

4- A man protesting a group of pro-helmet cyclists cycled into their protest, flipped over his handlebars and died. Ironically, the use of a helmet would have probably saved his life. This man has inadvertently become the poster boy for the pro-helmet cause through his anti-helmet actions. Bravo. Darwin Award for you.

5- Will and Kate managed to fulfill a dying man's wish as they visited with him personally during their stint in Ottawa. The man observed that the monarchy needed people like Will and Kate because they were so kind to people who were not as well off as they were. Which, in the case of Will and Kate, since they are royalty, means that being nice to people who are not as well off as they are basically means 90% of the planet.

6- There's a rising trend of divorce ceremonies in Japan, particulary after the disaster quake. It appears that this is a market that hasn't been tapped into and so a particularly innovative Japanese man decided to create a divorce ceremony for couples who want an amicable split. The ceremony is completed by breaking the weddings bands with a hammer. It appears to be both cathartic and profitable. Leave it to the Japanese to make a ceremony out of everything, even the end of a relationship. It's hoped that tea will follow.

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