Rant on Airport Security

It's gone completely whacko (like Jacko)! The Canadian government's putting in body scanners that basically take nude photos of passengers, including children, which some human rights advocates group say basically amount of child porn. And if it's child porn for them, well, it must be just regular porn porn for adults.

The agencies are defending themselves by saying that only random people will be selected for these things. Great, that means a random sampling of non white suspicious looking people or those with names like Abdu. In addition to this, they're also saying that this isn't a violation of people's privacy because the pictures taken will be viewed by some random guard in another room who can't see faces of passengers. Who needs to see your face when they've already seen your...well... you know.

And how many of us find that to be acceptable behaviour? Most of us adults, if we're showing our goods to another adult, the least we want to do is actually see their face, meet with them, maybe even have a couple of dinners somewhere, a martini at least...but now some random nobody in a locked guard room's going to get a free show because some guy failed to detonate some chemicals he stacked as extra junk in his trunk on a flight to Detroit.

But it's all for our own good. Of course it is. We're going to be safer! We're all going to feel safer! And then the pundits will tell us that we have nothing to fear but fear itself and that if we were really all a bunch of innocent, normal, sane people travelling for business, pleasure or other, then we have no reason to mind the extra security, right?

Wrong! I remember the post-Sept. 11th period when you could still travel with carry on luggage and bottles of water. You could bring nail clippers and give yourself a personal manicure on your flight if that's what you really wanted! And the most unpleasant part about heading to the airport, in the past, was not the gruelling security, but the long hours of waiting for your plane to arrive while sitting on a plastic chair.

But now, the measures taken by security are not only long, tedious, unnecessary and utterly humiliating at times, it hasn't made anyone safer. Attacks are still going to happen and people are still going to think of inventive new ways to carry them out. Do the governments really feel safer now that they've taken away our nail clippers, hand cream and bottled water? What else do they want to take from us so that we can continue to fly places and feel safe?

Here’s an idea. If the governments are really serious about sucking the fun out of travel one security measure at a time, why don’t they just go all out now and get it over with? Why don’t they just go all of the way or just go home? I’m throwing down the gauntlet now to the governments, airlines and airports of the world! Here’s what should be done from now on:

Once passengers arrive at the airport and have finished checking in with their respective surly airline staff, they will then proceed to security. Once they arrive, all of their personal goods will be taken and vacuum sealed in a Ziploc Lock It bag and tagged with the name of the passenger who will be assigned a random code of numbers to identify them properly. Once these items are secure, they will then be checked by tiny robots who will load them onto the plane. If an item moves or makes any suspicious ticking type sounds, the robots will be commanded to shoot to kill.

The passengers will then proceed to the decontamination bay, where they will be stripped of all their clothing by robots similar to the ones who currently operate drive through car washes. A heavily induced antibacterial spray which has been infused by the H1N1 vaccine will then be administered to the passenger. Once the spray is complete and it has been determined that the passenger shows no signs of the sniffles, they will then be dressed in a government issued orange jumpsuit with their random number code on it.

At this point, it will be safe for the passengers to board. Once on board the plane, the cabin crew will direct you to your designated seat where a handy hand belt will be buckled on for added security. This handy hand belt will also be connected to a handy foot belt that will discourage passengers from disturbing each other or making a scene.

Then everyone can relax, wait for takeoff, where they will be issued a $4 box of juice and watch only patriotic pro-Western family films like Rambo.

See? Not that different from flying today.