Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Desperate Want to Be Housewife

Read the following tidbit on a woman from Ohio:

ALLIANCE, Ohio - An Ohio woman spent three days in jail for calling the police emergency line five times seeking a husband.

The dispatcher was flabbergasted by the requests and asked Audrey Scott, of Alliance, "You need to get a husband?" The 57-year-old Scott responded, "Yes."

Told that she could face arrest for misusing the emergency call line, Scott responded, "Let's do it."

Scott was convicted last week of improper use of the emergency system and was sentenced to the three days in jail, which she had already served since her arrest, according to The Review newspaper. Seven other days were suspended if she stays out of trouble for a year.

After her release, Scott blamed the case on alcohol. There is no phone listing for Scott, who could not be reached for additional comment Wednesday.

Of course the woman blamed the case on alcohol. Who in their right mind would admit to doing this kind of thing sober? It sets the stage perfectly. You get this lonely Ohio woman, sitting at home, downing a bottle of something or other, listening to country love songs and having those fanciful firefighter daydreams and OF COURSE the ONLY logical outcome of this scenario is to call 9-1-1 for a husband.

And not only did she call once, she called 5 TIMES. Because persistence is the true key to getting what you want out of life, so when the first 4 dispatchers hung up, she knew that it was just a matter of time before one compassionate person who understands what it's like to be a lonely woman at home downing a bottle of something or other feels like when their firefighter dreams take over and true desperation sinks in.

Granted, this woman is no spring chicken. Lots of states across the US dictate that you're done at 30, and in some polygamous states, you're actually peaked at 14. So it is somewhat understandable that she considered this to be an emergency. There are even stats out there that show that a woman over 30 has less chance of getting married than she does of getting hit by lightning. But 30 is the new 20, so I guess we can bump this up to 40. Still, that puts her 17 years over the line and I guess I would be getting pretty upset too by that time.

Let's put aside the fact that calling 9-1-1 is a disturbance, a felony, and prevents emergency assistance to those who are in actual dire need. This is obviously still a cry for help and as a society, I think we are responsible to help this person out. Maybe there are some girl guides out there who need their helping someone badge and they can all truck over to her house to do the following good social deeds:

-give her a makeover- My knowledge of most American social problems all boil down to the fact that everyone really needs a makeover and that this is the solution to most of America's ills. A haircut, some colour, nails, waxing and a soul-satisfying cleansing should do it. Then a trip to the mall for some new clothes and a whole brand new you for just $999.

-set up her E-Harmony account. Look at how freaking happy Joshua and Tanya Lee are. They're all kissy, hugging each other and looking dreamily into each other's eyes as they talk about their first date and owning the store together and how the site did all the work for them and got it so right. After 5 hours of compatability tests, the right one has to come out. It just HAS to. 5 hours of testing can't be wrong.

-buy her a firefighter calendar. These things are usually for charity, so you can't possibly argue with that! This way, instead of dialing 9-1-1 and bothering dispatchers, she can just flip to February and look at that for awhile. That would go perfect with a bottle of something.

Yes, we all get sad, lonely, drunk and sometimes we drunk dial exes out of a sense of desperation. We all have our moments. But we have to keep things in relativity and know that being unmarried and older does not make us less of a person. Too bad that society doesn't seem to think the same way.

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