Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hamburger Havoc

See attached article for full report:

It appears that there are vandals out there who have decided to forego the rotten eggs and toilet paper in favour of McDonald's hamburgers. There have been incidents of the burgers being rubbed all over vandalized vehicles and soda being thrown. Normally, I would condemn this as a waste of food by a typically arrogant and overfed Western civilization. But in this case, I think it sends an even more important message: McDonald's is not food.

I congratulate the vandals for making good use of hamburger projectiles, as they show what McDonald's food is truly worth. McDonald's is a trash diet fit for broke and hung over teenagers. It's also a great place to go for Happy Meals toys. But it hardly deserves to be called real food. It's so loaded down with sugar, salt, preservatives and saturated fats, it's probably got the nutritional value of some toothpastes. And even their so-called 'nutritious' menus are loaded with unnecessary sugars and salt, more than any human body needs.

As a teenager, I loved Big Macs. I also had a cast-iron stomach at the time and thought that leftover cold pizza was an excellent choice at breakfast and after a long night of partying, cheetos made a good dinner. I probably had the stomach lining of a billy goat and could probably also eat tins to get by. Throughout university, most meals were a mix of spaghetti in cans, Subway, and those cheap noodle packages that are probably re-processed Japanese newspapers.

Having grown into adulthood and developed an actual palette, I can barely make eye contact with a McDonald's now. I know that eating there will just make me feel sick and heavy and that a detox may be necessary at the end. The only exception that I'll make is for their McFlurry's, which are still a valuable source of iced water and Smarties.

The vandals and their hamburger havoc have shown that there are many uses for McDonald's, but the primary one is not food or nutrition. While vandalism is not something to be encouraged, neither is eating at this plastic establishment.

Some may argue that McDonald's is a corporate America symbol and that the vandals may be anti-capitalists trying to send out a message. That may be true as well. They could also be homegrown terrorists who hate freedom and freedom fries. Either way, the message is loud and clear. McDonald's is crap.

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