Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Too Asian To Handle

Macleans magazine has been feeling the heat after releasing an article entitled Too Asian, which blames Asian people for transforming the culture of universities across Canada and causing a large divide between the 'white' universities and the 'Asian' universities. The University of Toronto has been identified as an Asian university along with the detrimental characteristics of being hard working, overachieving and no fun at all, while good time drinking universities like Queen's has been identified as white.

BC has been the first province in Canada to speak out against this article and to propose a measure against it, all while vowing to educate the public against stereotyping and racial misconceptions. Which would be useful except for the fact that BC itself is the too Asian province in Canada, given its geographical proximity to that continent and with it having the oldest Chinatown in the country. So, sorry BC, you're not white enough to speak out on this issue.

And honestly, nobody needs to speak out against it. I think all Asians out there are breathing a sigh of relief that the truth has finally been revealed, that yes, indeed, we slitty eyed people are planning to take over the world.

White people are so trusting, so unsuspecting. They've allowed us to do their drycleaning, dye their hair, and make them egg rolls for years, and all of this time, they never suspected that behind the mask of the innocent dumb short people whose faces crinkle when they smile, that we've been planning to take them over with our superior intelligence. Of course it's superior. How else do you think we manage to starch your shirts so well or hide all of your grey hairs? Do you think that's done by stupid people?

Oh, and we all speak beautiful English, we only speak the shrill broken English to fool you, but when you all go into the other room out of earshot, we sound like Shakespeare. And we wear chopsticks in our hair not because they hold our hair into perfect buns on the top of our round heads, but because we are all secretly ninjas in disguise and the chopstick is the weapon of the true warrior.

We do math in our sleep and our tiny eyes actually see at a 360 degree angle, so we truly have eyes in the back of our heads, which is why we can always see you coming whenever you show up for dim sum. Yes, that's the reason why you always get hit in the elbow with the cart that has the shrimp dumplings. And the shrimp dumplings are secretly plumped up with a preservative that makes you slow and sluggish, another reason why you can barely stand up at the end of the meal. And fortune cookies? They're all codes to launch missiles off secret islands to smite our enemies with the big noses.

When the time is right, we shall release our ultimate weapon: little old ladies digging for bus fare and holding up rush hour traffic for hours as they try to count $1.97 in exact change so that they can have a transfer. They will paralyze the streets of the world's busiest cities and then, the Asian takeover will be complete and all our nefarious plans will come to fruition. Then we shall conquer all.

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